So… With trembling hands, and a minor anxiety attack I am behind the computer to write again. Different reasons for being so, the return that is 1) Finishing my thesis, had me feeling nauseous of keyboards, now 6 months later I miss it – the writing, not he thesis! 2) Life has been turned upside down, and I constantly find my self going through it in my mind, as blog posts.
So here goes what might be the longest blogpost (or shortest) ever made from author behind.
Let’s use bullits. For the 2015 that went:
- Survived and finished thesis with an admirable grade. Succes! Even though counselor had me answering “I don’t even know what our findings were – nothing I guess”. I am still contemplating that one..
- Survived break up with bf through 5 years. During thesis writing that is. But I guess that helped me through it.
- Met a guy, had him move in for a month, then his friend (and my colleague, I’m not that crazy). Fell in love with 1st guy ( I think, still not sure) but he did made me rebound from break up, and then later made me loose my mind during the whole summer.
- Tried to see if fuckling others would minimise loss of mind. Partly a succes.
- Had a threesome!
- Had a lover.
- Did that thing I can’t really talk about, but will reflect upon later on in this post.
- Started working in the wine bars again.
- Had a semi depression.
- Started working out (working that ass and them abs – why do you look better in your 30’s than in your 20’s? Cause you need it more?)
- Made peace with at at least 3 of my manly relations, who had been messing with my mind (all in 24 hours, I’m awesome!)
So the reflections following these events, can also be narrowed down to bullit points (isn’t it lovely).
- I spend waaaaay to much time adjusting my own well being to matters and definitions of the men in my life. Solution is spending more time on me and myself, being maybe a bit more ego centered, while tile staying open and curious (hence the date for the fires time ever, planned to night). But most def, loving the soothing company of my own. After all, I would love to date the man version of me, but will have to settle for just myself for the time being.
- Your identity connects a lot to relationsshipstatus and education (job), and altering the both of these, will make you feel a loss of identity. Solution is not to panic, not to sleep all day and get depressed, but look at fucking opportunities and deal with your new label of “Single & educated – dont know what I am doing”. Life goes on, make the most of it.
- I need to find my passion in life. 2016 goal.
- Sex feels absolutely empty with out feelings, but still, can be extremely good. No fucking on first dates from now on?
Sun is shining, a moment I can’t let pass by in these dark winter times…
A return, a rerun, lets see if this is something that will help me get a hold on crazy thoughts, so I can keep my mind.
In this dark fall of 2011 I dream away to foreign places. Last year this time, I just arrived home from NY from an amazing trip. I just remembered that there, I actually had a good experience with a hairdresser. They knew how to blowdry! But there was no doubt, when I passed the store. So with hangovers and gayfriend, we spend a superb afternoon in their saloon. (Rhyme!)
So, for a return, I’ll put them in the archive.
I was with lover yesterday night, returning from a great dinner, which ended with us hitting a guy on his scooter. He was okay, and that was not the point, I just remembered it. Jesus i screamed. Well, he was okay and no harm was done to any.
Untill… We walk home and I am in my telling stories mood, and keep jabbering about this crazy evening at the same restaurant we just had our dinner at. I am pretty sure that in the storyline I was with my ex, so I happily explain how the night ended with all of me and my friends were staying after closing hours with the staff, which ended up with everybody kissing everybody. Yes this is something that happends sometimes. So, as excited I am in my story, he stops me and says; “Hey you weren’t with your ex at that time”. And then I realized, that I was with him! Oh my, did that bring awkward silence or what.
Well, he either was cool about it, or decided that it wasn’t such a big deal. Thank God he knows me so well.
Place: My parents house on the countryside
Memory: Sitting outside on top of an old well. Playing with insects, and among them spiders. So when did I get arachnophobia?
Was at a wedding shoot, and there were so many spiders inside of the restaurant. I was terrified. Made me reconsider the dream of having a house on the countryside. And love town. And reconsider if I should get cured instead.